I don't hear well, one time my wife and I were driving from Springfield Missouri back to our home in Corpus Christi, Texas in a 1982 Trans Am, with no air conditioning. So the windows were down, adding to my deafness. I pulled into a convenience store and a gentleman held the door for me and asked "Do you think it'll rain today?"

I looked up at the sky and said "I don't know" He said "You don't know?" I thought how weird, I repeated "No, I have no idea!" I left him and went into the store and bought a couple of Cokes. I went back out of the store, he had left, when I got to the car, my wife asked "What did that guy ask you?" I said "He asked if I thought it would rain today?" "Like I would know," she said " No he didn't, He asked "How ya doing today? and you looked up in the sky and said "I don't know" 😂 I'm sure he had a story for his wife about the crazy dude he talked to at the store. 😂😂😂

Girls day out in the fall just about this time of year four of us were walking to breakfast when a tree branch caught the wig I had on and pulled it right off my head. It sprung up too high for any of us to reach. After the laughter died down, a family walked by and had their son climb the tree and shake it down for me. I thanked them, put it back on and headed to breakfast.

I went on a very boozy weekend away when I lived in Bahrain. One day I started drinking at 8am, then someone had the bright idea to go quad biking. Imagine this.... I don't drive and I'm pretty shitfaced! I crashed into a tree, came flying off the bike and had a burn the full length of my leg.

Just got home from a road trip in the Southwest. As we were driving through the Petrified National Park in AZ, I was exploring a wash while my husband stood with some other tourist. I picked up an object and loudly exclaimed, "I found a shell!" Everyone got excited as I climbed up the hill. Only to have my husband loudly state, " You found a shell alright, a pistachio shell" I was so embarrassed.

It was 1996, on a Vegas vacation, with three teenage boys and their mischievous stepdad. Traveling home we stopped for a fill-up and the hubby bought two window suction stickers to put on the back van window, One read “ I like cats, they taste like chicken! The second one read “ Cat, the other white meat!”

We drove over a thousand miles with those stupid signs on our van and didn't get ran off the road, which was a miracle! I didn't know about them until we were unloading. I was so embarrassed! 🫣 BTW, We love animals! 😉

When there were male dancers at the club they would change in the men's bathroom right next to the women's. I would go in the women's drunk in my skirt and hose and come back out where, twice with two different dancers, they asked me if my skirt was a little short. I checked and found the back of my skirt was tucked into my hose.

One day during my lunch hour I had gone by Subway and bought myself a nice sandwich and some chips to eat. I drove back to my apartment. I realized I had quite a few minutes to kill so I decided to clean my car out. After collecting all the garbage and bagging it up I was walking by the dumpster and threw the bag into it, except that it wasn't the garbage.

As soon as I felt it leave my hand I knew I had accidentally thrown my sandwich into the dumpster instead of the garbage. Luckily they had just emptied that dumpster so, yes I jumped into the dumpster and retrieved my sandwich. When my boyfriend came home later that day he walked in the apartment kind of giggling. I asked him what was funny and he tells me the maintenance guy just told him a funny story about a girl he saw getting out of the dumpster today. I just buried my head in my hands and told him... that was ME! LOL

I was at the pinnacle of my career and carefully carried myself with dignity and grace until that one day when my new heels met the uneven pavement. I had just returned from a friendly lunch with a colleague and was not as careful as I normally am Suddenly, I felt my toe clip a piece of the raised pavement. With a grimace, I could feel myself losing my balance falling so I twisted and twirled and landed unceremoniously onto a bush, smashing it flat, feeling the branches scratching my legs and bottom. Thankfully I had arrived to a deserted parking lot no people but rows cars parked.

I breathed a sigh of relief that no one saw me or so I thought. I got up and brushed myself off, remembering that a first aid kit was just 20 steps away in my car. But then I looked up at the building. There at the window, with a look of concern but a HUGE smile on his face was my boss. He then ran out the door making sure I was ok and then he and I hugged and laughed so hard we cried.

Returning to our respective work stations, I sent an email to a group of friends asking if anyone knew how to get grass stains out of khaki pants. They all died laughing knowing what had happened. I received a text that I trended that day at work receiving hundreds of responses to the email about safety that was sent out in my honor with a brief description of my fall. They also posted an RIP sign on the place where the bush met its end.

I left my wife at a rest area in the middle of nowhere. I thought she had gone to the back of the RV to nap. Her phone was on the dash of the RV. Two hours later, I discovered she was in fact not asleep in the back.

I called 911 and asked that they not laugh at me and told them what had happened. The laughed and connected me to the highway patrol. They laughed too, then sent a unit to check on her. Meanwhile, I'm driving the RV, pulling a car 85 mph back to the rest area. She was pretty pissed, but forgave me luckily. I always check now when we leave a rest area.

I worked at a medical clinic and went into the bathroom. I came out of the bathroom and my name was being paged. I had the seat cover hanging out the top of my pants I never laughed so hard.

I was a bridesmaid at my BFF's wedding. The gown was hideous, but I smiled and went thru the motions because of her. Those were the days of pantyhose.

I exited the ladies room, as I did one of the other bridesmaids was on the dance floor when somehow she tripped and fell when her shoe got caught in the hem. I ran over to help her ( laughing all the way) up, when someone came behind me and said: excuse me, the whole back of your dress is stuffed inside your pantyhose. The laughter continues to this day!!

I was going through a divorce, dealing with all that mess at the time, when I stopped at McDonald's drive thru with my 4 year old. While ordering, "I will Survive" came on the radio and my son proudly announces through the drive thru speaker, loud and proud, "Mama your song is on!" Of course the whole front of store heard this, so to thank me for the laugh, they gave my son breakfast.

I worked in corporate during my twenties and often wore (way) above-the-knee skirts. One year, after picking up a cake I had ordered for my boss's birthday, I gathered our group to surprise him in his office. When we got there, I realized I had forgotten the lighter and ran back to my desk to get one. Everyone else had already gone inside with the cake.

As I was rushing back to light the candles, I overextended my leg and ripped the seam right out of the back of my skirt. It was loud, and the tear went halfway up. Everyone heard it, including my boss, who couldn't stop laughing. I froze in his doorway like a deer in headlights.

Then, without missing a beat, I put my hands behind my back to block the open-airway and casually backed out of his office while singing, "Hello my baby, hello my darling, hello my rag-time gaaal!"​

Friends and I were so high we smoked a fatty inside the chief of police cop car. Detroit Strong😆

I was raised in a community that was lucky enough to have a skating rink. I considered myself a pretty good roller skater, and we skated a few times a week and most weekends. Years later, we were having a Halloween party at work. I decided to go as “Hell On Wheels” wearing a sparkling red top and a shorter skating skirt. I parked my car close to the front door so I could make sure everyone was in before I made my grand entrance on skates!! Entering the front door everyone was getting their coffee, I skated over to the entire office only to fall immediate down on that cold tiled floor, skirt up over my head… it was quite humiliating to say the least, harder to live down from all those laughing hyenas in that office.

There’s a wooden boat festival in a nearby town on a small river each year. When I was 18, I got an invite to a nice double decker boat party, complete with music, food, alcohol, the works. So naturally I brought fireworks.

On the top deck, my friends and I were occasionally firing a bottle rocket or two into the air since this was happening from other boats as well. As our boat was tied to a large pier near a small bridge, I thought it might look cool if we could launch one of the larger rockets under the bridge and have it light up the underside like a camera flash.

No one wanted to risk a poor launch, so I volunteered to try first and tossed a lit one into the air, timing it well it would fly in a downward arc towards the... Jesus is that a boat emerging from under the bridge? Noooooo! It was, and there were 4 uniformed police officers in it. Everyone on the boat jumped when my perfectly hurled rocket exploded right on the bow of their now-visible patrol boat.

We might have gotten away with it if an older drunk man at the party near us hadn’t yelled “DAAAAAAAAMN! AHAHAHA!!!” and sealed our fates. I never got another invite.

I had to go to the DMV once. At the time, we only had one very small office in our county. As usual, it was crowded, hot and slow. You know the vibe. 😂 I was trying to keep my daughter, who was 5yo at the time, entertained and quiet at the same time.

The gentleman in front of us was a hulk of a biker dude in full leathers with a biker beard to match. He sensed my growing frustration with my daughter and proceeded to tell me he had six daughters. He was able to befriend her (us) and we had a lovely conversation in the time we were in line together. We were both called to the counter at the same time. Keep in mind the entire office was the size of a postage stamp. As we were being helped, my daughter says in her loudest outside voice, “That man stinks!! Why?” —boldly pointing toward the biker dude.

Absolute silence as I somehow made our way out of there. Anyway, apologies biker dude if you are reading this. And btw, she’s an incredible young woman today that still speaks her mind. ♥️

I used to work as a volunteer at my daughter's preschool. It was dead winter, and I needed something from my car, but didn't feel like walking back to the office to get my jacket. So instead, I decided to sprint. 

About 2 seconds into my journey, my foot hit a cement cinder block, catapulting me high into the air and onto the pavement—knees first. After skidding to a complete stop, my body lunged forward with tremendous force, causing me to use my hands as a shield for my face. I lay there like a slug in the middle of the parking lot —ego destroyed — with my skirt halfway up my ass, pissed off that I ruined my brand-new tights. 

"Are you okay?"I lifted my head and pushed myself up, peeling my bloodied hands and knees from the asphalt and picking tiny pieces of rock out. "I'm good!" I cheered, trying not to act mortified. As I hopped up to prove my injuries weren't fatal, I noticed that my tights were utterly unscathed, despite the scrapes and bruises on my knees. 

"You are NOT gonna believe this!" I shrieked, running toward her, pointing to my unharmed stockings. "There's not even a run in them. Thank you, Anthropologie! Best $20 I've ever spent." With that, I thanked her for her concern and hobbled back to the school, where I proceeded to cry-laugh the pain away. 😂🤣😭

My two sisters and I were on a European cruise ship. We were complaining about the rudeness and pushiness going on that never seemed to stop, no matter if it was breakfast, lunch, dinner, gambling, a show, or tea time.​

One night, we went to dinner and to see a show. When the show ended, the crowd started pushing and shoving their way out. My sister had had enough. She took both of her elbows and forced her way through the crowd to clear a path for us, speaking in a language we had never heard before. The room grew silent and people began to stand aside. When we returned to our room, flabbergasted by what had just happened, we asked what she said.

"Hell if I know," she laughed. "I made up a language, and it obviously worked!" To this day we still wonder what she had said in her faux language to gain the respect of so many people.

My wife and I (girlfriend at the time) used to go all over to classic car shows. One particular time, we attended one at Liberty State park in Jersey City with beautiful views of Manhattan and The Statue of Liberty. My wife asked about going out to see the statue, but the lines were really long for the ferry ride and I suggested maybe another time. Puzzled, she asked, "Why don’t we just drive there?"​

She thought there was a road out to the Statue.

Girls' night out, circa 1997. My bestie and I had taken a cab to meet friends at an underground nightclub downtown.

It was our second stop that night, and we'd already had a few drinks. When we pulled up, I noticed the line was wrapped around the building. "Shit," I whisper-sighed, looking at my friend. "I really need to use the bathroom."

As we made our way to the end of the line, the pressure on my bladder grew more intense. "I'm not gonna make it," I said, scanning the parking lot in search of a dark corner. "There!" I shouted, speed-walking toward two SUVs. "I promise I'll be quick. You stand guard." 

I remember feeling incredibly grateful that I wore an undersized skirt that night and even more relieved that I could find a vacant spot in a sea of people.

When I finished, I staggered to the SUV and propped my hand against the side to balance myself as I pulled my shirt back down. That's when we saw their lights go on and heard them start the engine."Y'all have a good night," they chuckled. "Thanks for the free show." 

I went on a blind date with this guy who showed up at my door with a six-pack of Bush beer. His van was carpeted and smelled like feet. That should have been my first clue, but I wanted to see the band playing down the street and agreed to go with him. 

He paid for our tickets when we got to the club, but that was the end. I bought all the drinks the remainder of the evening. He was getting on my nerves, and I knew I needed to ditch him. While waiting in line for the ladies' room, I met a girl named Heather. She and I swapped horror stories, and before leaving, she offered to drive me home.

When I returned, I told whatshisname things weren't working out between us and suggested he leave. He said he didn't want to go and was having fun with me, to which I insisted he find someone else to hang out with. After a few minutes of him not budging, I pulled out my last $20 and handed it to him. "Here," I said. "Just leave." With that, he took the money and ran.

FREE AT LAST.

My phone rang around 4:00 am, waking me from cold sleep. "Hello?" I coughed. It was him. "Hey, girl," he teased. "I'm down the street having breakfast. Why don't you join me?" 

Stunned by his relentless pursuit of "it ain't happenin," I asked if he planned to pay for the meal with the $20 I gave him at the bar. He laughed, and I slammed the phone down.

This is why God created Tinder. Swipe left, bitches!

When I had my first baby, I was a young mom, not a teen mom. My husband is five years older and had zero experience with babies at the time.

Our son needed to move into a crib by the time he was ten weeks, so we went to an outlet store to look at crib mattresses. My husband was deciding between two beds and put one of them in the buggy with our son. I told him I was going to look at something else.

A few minutes later, he came over to me, and I no sooner got a couple of words out when we both realized the other didn't have our buggy. And then we heard it, "Will the parents of the baby in aisle three please come and get your child!"I ran to aisle three, snatched my baby boy, and exited that store as quickly as a running back trying to score the winning touchdown with seconds on the clock!

That was nearly 30 years ago. I have never been able to go back to that store. My son, well, he seems fine. He's one of the brightest minds in America, even if his parents aren't.

I worked as a secretary for a small copier company in my twenties. One day, the Vice President asked if I'd be willing to work afternoons in accounting, stating I could forward the phones to avoid missing calls. I jumped at the chance.

The accounting department was in a separate part of the building, with a glass front door adjacent to the primary office—both of which faced the parking lot. One day, after settling into my afternoon job, I heard the phone ringing on the other side of the wall. "Oh shit," I screamed, bolting from my chair, "I forgot to forward the phones!" With that, I ran full speed toward the door to get to the other side.​

It wasn't until my face hit the glass in front of my boss's car that I realized the door was still locked.

I had the best judge ever in my fight to get child support and full custody of my three kids. After five years in court, I swear this judge had had it with my EX and his lies. When he asked my ex to hand over his wallet, the judge took out the $100 bill he had tucked away and gave him 30 days to start paying child support to avoid going to jail. All the bailiffs began laughing when the judge handed the money to me. Way to fuck around and find out. 🤣

It was my first day at work at a brand new job, and I needed to use the restroom. I have terrible anxiety and didn't sleep well the night before. I was so exhausted I could barely pay attention when I went into the stall...of the men's room. The CFO was standing at the urinal when I walked out of the bathroom stall, and we met eyes. I was mortified and ran out of there so fast. Fuck my life.

I was the area credit manager for an HVAC supply company. I had an excellent rapport with one of our satellite managers, sharing lots of laughs. He and I were happily married to our spouses, but one day, before ending a call, I TOLD HIM I LOVED HIM. I wanted to die. He (sort of) laughed, and I apologized, saying it just popped out and was a habit when talking to my husband. He was a lot of fun, and we both got over it.​

When I was a teenager, just learning how to drive, I stumbled across a STOP HERE ON RED sign with an arrow pointing downward. The light was red, so I stopped. But drove off that day, utterly confused, after staring at a sidewalk for two minutes, searching for something red. I'm not proud. And I'm not a natural blonde.

One Sunday, when my daughter was four, we visited my mom and attended church with her. When we arrived, I was a little panicked because my mother didn't tell me they didn't have a nursery where my daughter could go. My mother said she'd sit with us and keep her busy with coloring and things, and we sat in a section off to the side with the seniors.

The pastor chose the passage Joshua two, about a woman who helps two spies escape capture, ultimately saving their lives. In return, they save hers. Sounds harmless enough, except she's known in the Bible as Rahab the Harlot. Do you see the danger coming? 

I held my breath the first time he said it, hoping my daughter didn't hear, but then he repeated it. Before the word cleared his mouth, she popped up and whispered loudly, "Mommy, what's a harlot?" 

Thankfully no one heard—until he repeated it a third time! And just as he paused, the entire auditorium went quiet, highlighting my daughter's curiosity, "Mommy, what's a harlot!?"

Back in the day, I used to hang out with a girl whose parents believed she was innocent of all wrongdoings. The only problem with that was that her boyfriend was twice our age, so whenever I spent the night, we'd sneak out to meet up with him. We liked to party, and most of the time, we'd end up at her house, wasted. 

One night, her parents were waiting for us in the driveway. As we piled out of the car, my "friend" threw me under the bus and told them he was MY friend. Several months later, she, her boyfriend (yep, same guy), and two other people got busted by the police.

I never got an apology, but who needs one when you've got Karma.​

My friend lived in a third floor of a warehouse loft apartment in the early 90s. During one of his many parties, a few of us snuck down the hallway to find the stairwell that led to the roof. Despite warnings that only residents were allowed up there, one of my friends opened a door.

It was pitch black, and years before illuminated cell phones existed, but that didn't stop us. As we felt our way across the room in search of a railing, we heard a loud loud thump, followed by another and another. Just then, someone yelled "light switch" and turned it on. That's when we saw our friend Neil, flying — in mid air — down the stairwell, clutching a glass of scotch, heading straight for a wall. 

💥 b o o m 💥

As we stood waiting for him to take his last breath, he sprang to his feet, glass still intact, and laugh-screamed, "Watch that first step; it's a lulu!" 

I worked for Disney years ago and sent a memo to the executive staff when the 'Mighty Ducks' movies were released. I accidentally referred to the release as 'The Mighty Dicks’… and never lived it down.​

At my mother's funeral, my oldest son gave the eulogy in church. I was in the front row when, all of a sudden, my skirt slid off down to the floor. It was a straight skirt, and I could barely pull it down without unzipping it.

One of my mother's sisters was sitting in the row behind me. She tapped me on the shoulder as I struggled to pull up my skirt and said, "You know your mother is always in control. This is her way of letting you know."​

I'm a guy and have been wearing women's underpants exclusively since I was a teenager. I got drunk one day and — yadda, yadda, yadda -- my girlfriend woke me up on the back lawn wearing nothing but my panties. Not a big deal normally, but she wasn't alone. There was a crowd of neighbors standing there as well. My secret was out.

I was at a club with friends back in the day. We were having a blast dancing and drinking like we did every weekend, but this night, I decided to have some Jagermeister shots. 😖  I was pretty lit and had to use the bathroom, and I stumbled through the crowd to get there. I entered the stall, balancing myself like a drunken tightrope walker, and pulled down my undergarments.

Squatting in stilettos to avoid touching a toilet seat is no easy task, and I'm still not sure how I did it. I stumbled out of the stall like a Clydesdale, washed my hands, and returned to my friends. As I made my way through the crowd, I noticed they backed up and were making a circle around me. "What the fuck is happening?" I wondered. 

Just then, the music changed to LIMBO, so I turned around to see what they were doing. There they were: a line of comedians, dancing underneath the roll of toilet paper tucked in my pantyhose—exposing my ass—connected to the bathroom stall. 😳 😩 

I never returned to that club or touched Jagermeister again. And I always check myself before I wreck myself when leaving a bathroom.